Bike Love



Good Luck to both of you!
May you live happily on two wheels :)

Post Apocalypse



Hot hot day in PH!
Enjoy this sunny day to ride folks!

This Just In: It's The Holidays And I'll Recess If I Want To!

So how about that Apocalypse?  Sure, it wasn't total devastation like some were predicting, but nevertheless it was a real inconvenience.  At the very least, I'm going to have to go out and buy new underpants.

Speaking of underpants, that's something you sometimes find under the Christmas tree (either as a gift, or else crumpled up in a heap if you over-nogged it on Christmas Eve), and with the holidays upon us please note that after today's post I will be on a peanut-butter-and-chocolately-delicious Holiday Reese's until Wednesday, January 2nd, 2013, at which point I will return with regular updates.  Until that time, you can bask in the virtual warmth of this holiday yule log:



Or, if you're a Wisconsin drunk, you can gather around the burning Obama instead:


Whatever your party affiliation, that's just disturbing.

In any case, I'll also point out that I had hoped to bore you with a longer end-of-the-year blogular posting, but believe it or not I am a parent (parenting is like riding a bike in that they'll let pretty much any idiot do it), and as it happens I have to strap on my daddy helment this morning and take care of some important parental business.  Nevertheless, I will take the time to direct your attention to this article and video about Jerry Seinfeld:


Not only is it interesting, but it also turns out he rides a Pinarello road bike around the city:

A sleek Pinarello racing bicycle, which Seinfeld rides around town, stood against a wall. “It’s very addictive, that feeling of gliding through the city,” he said.

I had no idea he was a closet Fred, but I guess it goes with the Porsche fixation.

Also, here's video of Jerry Seinfeld "getting rad" on that very Pinarello:



Just kidding.  That wasn't really Jerry Seinfeld.  Also, I bet you never, ever saw that video before, nor are you completely tired of it.  I know I'm not.


Lastly, before we all vanish into our own personal psychedelic tinsel-tastic holiday nightmares, I'll once again remind you that if you're looking for last minute gifts for people you don't like that much you should a) Buy My Books; and b) Patronize Our Sponsors, as seen in the right-hand margin.  For example, not only are Knog lights useful for your bike, but they're also great as beacons so that make-believe planes don't accidentally fly into your make-believe George Washington Bridge:


Yes, that's the George Washington Bridge, because the East River crossings are sooo last decade.  Plus, Knog lights are waterproof so they make great tub toys.  By the way, if you think it's my kid who's playing with Knog lights then you're mistaken.  The block architecture and the tub play is all me, and he knows if he gets anywhere near my toys I'll take away his box cutter.

And with that, I turn you over to the holidays and all the joy, depression, and general ennui that comes with them.  Hopefully you only experience the joy part.  Once again, please excuse my hasty departure, and I look forward to returning on Wednesday, January 3rd, 2013 (holy crap, it's the future!) with regular updates.  (Or even earlier, which is highly unlikely, but not impossible.)

Most of all, thank you very much for reading this crap every day, it makes me very happy to type it.



HK fixed Gear

HK fixed Gear 1 HK fixed Gear 2 HK fixed Gear 3 HK fixed Gear 4 HK fixed Gear 5 HK fixed Gear 6 HK fixed Gear 7 HK fixed Gear 8 HK fixed Gear 9 HK fixed Gear 10 HK fixed Gear 11 HK fixed Gear 12

No time to compose a title! The world's about to end! Look how much time I've wasted already!

Firstly, yesterday I mentioned a stupid car loan commercial, and I'd like to tip my dunce cap to commenter "Telegram Sam," who pointed out that the idiot producers left the watermark on the stock footage they used:


Idiots.

Secondly, I guess the world is supposed to end tomorrow, and that's why immediately following this post I'll be getting into my Chinese survival orb:


As I understand it, the way these work is that the Universe spits you out of her vagina like a ping pong ball at a sex show, and then you bounce around the void for an aeon or two until the post-apocalyptic dust settles, at which point you can finally come out and look for someplace to charge your smartphone.

Idiots.

Speaking of idiots, really big ones are still trying to get rid of that bike lane next to Prospect Park in Brooklyn:


This bike lane has been a tremendous improvement for pretty much everybody so it's hard to understand why they want it removed.  Really, removing this bike lane would be no different than retroactively un-floodproofing a building after it survived Hurricane Sandy.  I'm not even sure what their objection is, but if it has anything to do with improving the flow of motor vehicle traffic in their neighborhood then they should ban the Fresh Direct trucks.  These things descend upon Park Slope in the hundreds like some kind of upscale artisanal disaster relief effort for yuppies, and they bring traffic to a complete halt.  Of course, they'd never actually ban Fresh Direct trucks, since then they'd have to leave their multi-million dollar apartments and townhouses in order to go food shopping, at which point they'd lose their free parking spaces.

Idiots.

Meanwhile, I gather that last night there was a vote on the plans for a new Greenpoint section of the Brooklyn Waterfront Greenway, seen here in this DOT rendering:


In the days before the Great Hipster Silk Route, the Brooklyn waterfront was nearly unrideable, so I'm glad to see it's come so far--even though it's part and parcel of Brooklyn's evolution into a place that's wildly self-absorbed, nauseatingly precious, and disgustingly expensive.  Still, I wonder if you were able to vote "yes" on the plan but "no" on some of the riders in the plan--like the guy by the crosswalk who seems to be wearing bib shorts over a tank top:


If they're going to Photoshop total dorks onto the streetscape they could at least pick someone who looks like he knows what he's doing:


Though maybe it's Nonplussed Bibshorts Guy, in which case I withdraw all criticism:


Anyway, bike lane cockblockers like those people in Park Slope are indicative of America's strange relationship with the bicycle.  (If you consider looking at something and going, "Eeew!" a relationship--which actually I'm sure a lot of people do.)  Headlines like this one are another example:


Oh my god!  Can you believe it?  A professional athlete in peak physical condition riding a bicycle to work!?!  How "odd"!!!


I'm not sure what's so odd about a physically fit person riding a bicycle.  In fact, there are some crazy countries in which riding a bicycle is actually a sport in itself--though very few of the riders survive:


When I first read that headline I took it to mean that anyone who survived the 2012 Tour de France was invited back in 2013.  "I had no idea last year's race was so deadly," I remarked to myself, but then I looked closer at the picture of Djamolidine Abdouwhateverthefuck and realized they meant all the finishers from all the races, and then it made sense.  Clearly the idea is to get everyone who's ever ridden the Tour de France together in one place, extract their bone marrow, and test it for evidence of past doping.  Then, the offenders can be retroactively disqualified, or else asterisked* right on the spot.

Ostensibly though this is to mark the 100th edition of the race.  I thought they already had a 100th edition of the race--or was that just the 100th anniversary of the first race, since they skipped a few years because of the war?  (Organizers suspended the Tour de France for three years due to the Invasion of Grenada.)  Or the 100th anniversary of the Alps in the race?  Or the Pyrenees?  I'm pretty sure they've celebrated all those things.  Either way, how long are they going to work this 100 years angle?  They should get one 100th birthday and that's it.

Also, 100 years seems like a perfect time to retire the Tour de France and end this dope-fueled publicity stunt once and for all.  Honestly, despite all the scandals they've had a pretty good run, but we all know it's not going to get any better, and as the sponsors keep pulling out and the doping stories continue it's just going get more and more embarrassing for everybody.  Keeping the race going would be like Lance Armstrong coming back after Tour win number seven.  Imagine what a debacle that would be.  Really, the only people who would be hurt by the disappearance of the Tour de France would be a couple hundred ultra Euro-Freds with bad haircuts and maybe Specialized.  And that devil guy.


(Take a shower.)

But I'm sure there's a freak bike club in Portland that would be glad to take him in.

Speaking of irrelevant institutions, there's apparently still a Forbes magazine, and a reader tells me they recommend this pair of tridork flippers as a luxury holiday gift:


I like the idea that a total non-cyclist might receive these shoes as a gift.  (Yes, I realize triathletes are technically non-cyclists, but I mean someone who doesn't even do triathlons.)  I'd love to see some middle-aged guy slip-sliding around outside Citarella as he makes his way back to his Porsche.  Then again, I guess it wouldn't be much more awkward than a typical triathlete transition, except there'd probably be more olive oil spillage.

Also in the same gift guide is a Budnitz:



Just be warned that the Budnitz can be creaky, so for the same effect you can save a bunch of money by buying a Huffy beach cruiser at Target and spinning one of those Purim noisemakers while you ride.

I'm sure someone makes them in titanium--or if they don't, it's only a matter of time before Old Man Budnitz branches out into Judaica.


It's the penultimate Wednesday of 2012. Make it count.

All, right, that's it.  I've officially had it up to here [indicates top of head where helment goes] with the helment nanzis.  Why?  Because yesterday someone Tweeted this article in my direction:


Yes, apparently people are outraged that Tony Hawk took his helmentless daughter for a ride on a skateboard:

INSTAGRAM users have severely criticised skateboarding star Tony Hawk for taking his four-year-old daughter into a concrete bowl without a helmet.

Of course, Instagram users aren't the most savvy people in the world, which is why they subscribe to a service that can license their photos without compensating them.  Anyway, here's what he did:


First of all, you're supposed to fling kids around.  They love it!  Secondly, he's Tony Hawk.  Tony Hawk is like the Tony Hawk of skateboards, and I think he's perfectly capable of piddling around in his own backyard without bashing his daughter's head in--or, as he put it:

"For those that say I endanger my child: it's more likely that you will fall while walking on the sidewalk than I will while skating with my daughter."

Arrrgh-men.  (That's Pirate for "amen.")  But for the love of Lob, put some shoes on that kid, you maniac!!!  Also, you've got to be downright suicidal to hang out with Robert Smith without wearing a helment:


Actually, I'm not sure if that's Robert Smith or an undead Liz Taylor:


You have to admit the two are virtually indistinguishable.

Speaking of helments and danger, I was watching TV last night and saw the following commercial:



Now that's something to get outraged about.  I mean, look at this crap!


You know, maybe if people with shitty credit rode bikes instead of driving cars we wouldn't be a nation of indebted obese people suckling the corporate teat--which is exactly why these all these companies work so hard to shame you out of riding bikes in the first place.  I'm not sure why riding a bike is more humiliating than being an indentured servant to a bank, a car company, and an oil company all at the same time, but that's exactly the mindfuck these companies have managed to pull off, and it's only a matter of time before you start seeing commercials like this:

Bad credit?  No job?  Spent all your money on the lastest smartphone?  How badly do you really want that car?  Well Auto-fellatio.com will give you a car with no money down, no interest, and no monthly payments, and you can just pay us back with oral sex!  Just check out these testimonials:


"I'll do anything to stay behind the wheel of a car.  Good thing there's no APR on dignity."




"This scarf is easing the pain in my neck muscles but it cannot hide the shame.  Still beats riding a bike!"




"My jaw is tired as shit but I am loving this new car!"

Of course, if you think road rage is bad now, just wait until most drivers have had to fellate their way into their car:


("Out of my way!  You know how many dicks I had to suck for this Beemer?")

With the way things are going, I figure blowjobs will replace the US dollar in about five years. at which point I guess we'll finally be able to pay off our debt to China.

Speaking of delusion, professional cyclists continue to come up with innovative ways to excuse their past doping, and the latest angle is that doping is actually harder than not doping:


“The drugs made me feel sluggish at first, but eventually I got used to them. I assumed they helped me physically, but I didn’t expect the mental toll. If you’re not sleeping and feel paranoid and guilty all the time, it affects your performance massively. It was only once I stopped that I realized the gains were minimal.”

In other words, he was actually at a disadvantage to the clean riders and therefore deserves sympathy instead of scorn--which might be worth something if there were actually any clean riders.  

Meanwhile, in cyclocross, where nobody dopes, it looks like they're barely going to be able to pull off this World Championships in Louisville, KY:


In fact, not only is the sponsor a total deadbeat, but they've hardly sold any tickets:

"We've sold 2,500 tickets, but we'd like to double that at least. We are also hoping to get a few more sponsors, and we are hoping that the industry will help by purchasing VIP areas that are still available."

Evidently people don't like cyclocross as much as they've been pretending to--either that, or they're all defecting, in which case I blame that SRAM video.  As for where they're defecting do, my best bet is they're getting into competitive karaoke and buying karaoke bikes:



Washington, D.C. is the new epicenter of bicycling - and home of District Karaoke, D.C.'s first-and-only team-based, competitive karaoke league.

District Karaoke is dedicated to building community through karaoke - singing is a fantastic way to introduce people to each other and have fun.

Which sounded like a waste of money, but which is actually a good investment compared to the "Bag Buddy:"


(Click here to watch, I can't get the stupid video embedding to work.)

I have a number of reservations regarding the Bag Buddy, though I am convinced that this guy needs to invent a Shirt Buddy if he's going to carry his bike like that:


I'm also disinclined to take cycling advice from people who ride on the sidewalk:


And who salmon wantonly:


Anyway, have you ever been in a situation where you needed to hang a plastic bag on your handlebars?  Sure you have, which is why you know it sucks.  It's also why you don't want a sketchy bag-hanging counterbalance system reminiscent of those sandbags they use in theaters:

I mean look at this:


Next come the outrageous claims, such as: "There are three important benefits to the Bag Buddy, number one being safety," after which we see our safety-minded inventor riding on the sidewalk with four shopping bags hanging from his handlebars:


"The second important benefit is maneuverability," he says.  "You can take hard turns and short stops with no problem."  Then he makes a short stop and his Key Food bags start swinging like low-hanging "pants yabbies:"


Not annoying at all.  So what's the third benefit?

"The third benefit is decreased risk of wheel pinches."

I don't even know what that is.

I do know what the Bag Buddy is though, and that's a bad idea.  If he really likes carrying stuff on his handlebars, why not get a pair of bar ends?  Has he really never watched Chinese food delivery cyclists?  Nobody hands plastic bags from their handlebars like those guys.

A plastic bag handlebar-hanging enthusiast who doesn't copy the Chinese food delivery guys is like a fakenger who doesn't wear a messenger bag.